With a title like that, I'm hoping this will be one of the most-viewed posts in Chilldaddy's history. And if you have just read this first line and are suddenly feeling the initial tingling sensation one gets when it begins to dawn on them that they have been betrayed, lied to, made a fool of - relax. This post does indeed deal with the subject matter of 'sexy women', and equally indeedly, photos of them, which reside in our lockers at the hospital.
This initial photo sets the stage. Three lockers. Andy's, Craig's, and mine. Note that of the three of us, only Craig cares to lock his locker. In my ten-plus years of living in this locker, I have never had a single item stolen, except for a certain personal item that somehow found it's way into Andy's locker. It was in fact, a sexy photo - of my wife. After that, tension escalated.
Eyes en-squinted and looked sideways at co-workers. Private detectives were retained. Anonymous tips were made to government agencies. Retaliation was inevitable.
The latest development in this mire of unfortunate circumstance began perhaps two weeks ago. A picture of Craig's girlfriend, Kelly (also one of our co-workers... hmmm, better give y'all a quick player roster: Andy B. - surgical tech, Notoya B. - surgical tech and Andy's new wife, Craig - X-ray tech, Kelly - surgical tech and Craig's beloved, Cindy V. - cytology assistant and my beloved). So a picture of Kelly fell out of Craig's locker and he did not notice. I found it, and as a joke, attatched it to the outside of my locker with a note that said: 'Ray's other woman'.
A fierce battle of wits ensued. A ballet of attack and counter-attack, 'tit-for-tat' (another innocent insertion of a word designed to attract internet browsers), 'you-got-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter', and 'you-got-peanut-butter-in-my-chocolate'. The whole unpleasant drama was recorded on this scrap of paper you can see to the left. The caption evolved, the paper changed lockers, and at one point, the picture of Kelly was replaced with a picture of a dude.
Even now, as I look back over the visual reminders of our epic war, I cannot help but shake my head and wipe my nose to clear the running snot of sadness.
Okay, on to the present day.
Yesterday I arrived at work to find that Andy had taken the drama to whole new level. Hanging on his locker was the following series of pictures.
Somehow he had acquired pictures of me with my wife, and Craig with Kelly, and then spent a considerable amount of time on his computer, cutting, pasting, and trimming, until our handsome and rugged faces were obscured by his weasel-ey visage. (By his own admission, he was supposed to be raking his yard that afternoon, so, you get some idea to what extent pure evil reigns in his heart) The note above the collection of forged photograph's proclaimed them to be: 'all of Andy's women'.
What can I do? How do I top that? I'm just a simple husband and scrub-tech, and I find myself ill-equipped to do battle in a war of this scale. Sure I've referred to myself as a 'creative genius' in the past, but I've sworn only to use my powers for good. Faries, unicorns, frolicking little elves. I cannot face this darkness. I am outgunned.
And so I turn to you.
What should I do?
Here's the pathetic little bit that I've come up with so far. Step-one: under the caption 'All of Andy's women' I wrote 'fantasize about real men'. Step-two: I got my hands on a label-maker.
Andy's locker has a new name.
Step three: well, see for yourself. I thought to myself, 'what man wouldn't be driven into a state of jealous madness at finding a picture of his new wife nestled in close to a dashing pirate?'
But there are two problems. First off, this pirate looks quite gay and not at all dashing, and secondly, I'm just playing copy-cat. I need something better.