Saturday, April 22, 2006

Six random things.

This is a game I was invited to participate in by the loveable Cream. I'll list six random things about myself, then tag six others. If you're tagged, you must do the same, and leave comments on their blogs directing them to the instructions on your blog. Savvy?

1. Firearms don't thrill me. In the army I fired everything from automatic weapons to anti-armor missiles, I've even thrown live hand-grenades, and NONE of them excited me in the least. To this day, I have no interest in owning a gun - not even for hunting.

2. I don't like to travel. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing new places, it's that 'I don't like to travel'. I hate driving, trains are too slow, and planes make me sick. Plus, it's not very restful to drag four kids over long distances - you come back from your vacation needing another vacation.

3. I'm wearing a necklace full of pink plastic beads. It's on an elastic string so it'll fit my fat neck. Paige put it on me this morning because she thinks it looks pretty on me.

4. I'm terrible with car repairs. They usually end with angry hammering.

5. I was really skinny growing up. My parents called me 'Mr. Bones' because so many of them portruded through my skin. Now I'm probably sixty pounds overweight.

6. I love weddings. Seriously, just like a woman. Don't laugh or I'll punch you.

In rereading this, I've decide to subtitle it, "Four reasons why I'm just like a little girl". I'm adding another random fact to re-assert my testosterone.

7. Dang, I can't think of anything.... um, I like sex? (that should do - sorry mom and grandma)

And here it is, the list of people who get to do this next:

1. Trophy Wife
2. Bunnyjo Georg
3. Shortensweet
4. Virtual Junk Drawer
5. Roo
6. Perfect Girl

Thursday, April 20, 2006

What if I did my job the way contractors do theirs?

I’m trying to get some concrete poured in my driveway and these guys have been driving me crazy. I dealt with it all last summer while we put our house up, and I don’t think I can deal with it again so soon. I’m left shaking my head, asking myself “what if I did my job like contractors do theirs?”

“Yeah, Mrs. Johnson, we can get out there probably Thursday to get that abdominal incision sewed up for you (AS LONG AS THERE’S NO RAIN, OR CLOUDS FOR THAT MATTER). What’s that? No… I’ve got a thing to do first (SLEEP IN). Somebody else has this ruptured appendix and I’ve been putting it off. He’s been calling me everyday for like three weeks now, so I should probably… Yeah, I know, I should have called you back too, but the crews been real busy bandaging owies and boo-boos(I FORGOT). Lookit, how about if I stop by tonight and take a look at it (WON’T SHOW UP) and then I’ll call you tomorrow (MIGHT RETURN YOUR MESSAGE FOUR DAYS FROM NOW) and set up a time when I can get the guys out there (TO SHOW UP TWO HOURS LATE AND LEAVE TWO HOURS EARLY) Excuse me? Oh, your gall bladder? Yeah, well what happened was, we had this new guy on the crew who kinda nicked it, but it should be fine. You might have a small bile leak but that shouldn’t hurt anything (PERITONITIS AND A RETURN VISIT TO THE O.R. WITH ANOTHER CREW) So, yeah, anyway, we oughtta have that belly closed up for you by Monday at the latest (ONE MONTH TO GO). It’ll be real nice when it’s done (BARE MINIMUM-BORDERLINE INCOMPLETE, HE’LL HAVE TO COME BACK THREE TIMES TO GET IT RIGHT). By the way, I’ll pay you a hundred bucks for every referral you give me (PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BEUREAU).”

So how about you? What would happen if you did your job like contractors do theirs?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Andy got me

Remember the jerk in the locker next to mine? Well he finally paid me back, and you know what? It kind of hurts.