Saturday, November 10, 2007

photos of sexy women in locker room

With a title like that, I'm hoping this will be one of the most-viewed posts in Chilldaddy's history. And if you have just read this first line and are suddenly feeling the initial tingling sensation one gets when it begins to dawn on them that they have been betrayed, lied to, made a fool of - relax. This post does indeed deal with the subject matter of 'sexy women', and equally indeedly, photos of them, which reside in our lockers at the hospital.
This initial photo sets the stage. Three lockers. Andy's, Craig's, and mine. Note that of the three of us, only Craig cares to lock his locker. In my ten-plus years of living in this locker, I have never had a single item stolen, except for a certain personal item that somehow found it's way into Andy's locker. It was in fact, a sexy photo - of my wife. After that, tension escalated. Eyes en-squinted and looked sideways at co-workers. Private detectives were retained. Anonymous tips were made to government agencies. Retaliation was inevitable.
Thus began a history of distrust and unspoken hostility.

The latest development in this mire of unfortunate circumstance began perhaps two weeks ago. A picture of Craig's girlfriend, Kelly (also one of our co-workers... hmmm, better give y'all a quick player roster: Andy B. - surgical tech, Notoya B. - surgical tech and Andy's new wife, Craig - X-ray tech, Kelly - surgical tech and Craig's beloved, Cindy V. - cytology assistant and my beloved). So a picture of Kelly fell out of Craig's locker and he did not notice. I found it, and as a joke, attatched it to the outside of my locker with a note that said: 'Ray's other woman'.

A fierce battle of wits ensued. A ballet of attack and counter-attack, 'tit-for-tat' (another innocent insertion of a word designed to attract internet browsers), 'you-got-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter', and 'you-got-peanut-butter-in-my-chocolate'. The whole unpleasant drama was recorded on this scrap of paper you can see to the left. The caption evolved, the paper changed lockers, and at one point, the picture of Kelly was replaced with a picture of a dude.

Even now, as I look back over the visual reminders of our epic war, I cannot help but shake my head and wipe my nose to clear the running snot of sadness.
Okay, on to the present day.
Yesterday I arrived at work to find that Andy had taken the drama to whole new level. Hanging on his locker was the following series of pictures.

Somehow he had acquired pictures of me with my wife, and Craig with Kelly, and then spent a considerable amount of time on his computer, cutting, pasting, and trimming, until our handsome and rugged faces were obscured by his weasel-ey visage. (By his own admission, he was supposed to be raking his yard that afternoon, so, you get some idea to what extent pure evil reigns in his heart) The note above the collection of forged photograph's proclaimed them to be: 'all of Andy's women'.

What can I do? How do I top that? I'm just a simple husband and scrub-tech, and I find myself ill-equipped to do battle in a war of this scale. Sure I've referred to myself as a 'creative genius' in the past, but I've sworn only to use my powers for good. Faries, unicorns, frolicking little elves. I cannot face this darkness. I am outgunned.

And so I turn to you.

What should I do?

Here's the pathetic little bit that I've come up with so far. Step-one: under the caption 'All of Andy's women' I wrote 'fantasize about real men'. Step-two: I got my hands on a label-maker.



Andy's locker has a new name.
Step three: well, see for yourself. I thought to myself, 'what man wouldn't be driven into a state of jealous madness at finding a picture of his new wife nestled in close to a dashing pirate?'
But there are two problems. First off, this pirate looks quite gay and not at all dashing, and secondly, I'm just playing copy-cat. I need something better.
Any thoughts?





11 Callers:

Blogger Chilldaddy said...

Unrelated shout-out to another co-worker: my man, Chaddy T: perfusioneer-extraordinairre (notimeforthat.blogspot.com).

Did you know that there is a place online where you say what book you want and they give it to you for free and if they don't have they get it for you and it's still free and you can get as many as you want forever and ever and ever no strings attached?

This is not a joke or a scam. Check out the new link in my 'Chilldaddy likes' sidebar.

Thank you Chad. And God bless you. My whole world has just changed for the better.

Now if only I didn't have this stinking 'prank-war' to contend with.

10 November, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about putting the head of his woman on the neck of a naked woman's body...like Pamela Andersen...ha ha...guess that isn't such a good idea, after all. Sorry. Guess you're on your own.

12 November, 2007  
Blogger Chilldaddy said...

The thought crossed my mind, but Natoya's a way-too-nice lady. Wouldn't want to mar her image in any way (plus, well, Cindy... as if I need to explain that).

Interesting story about Natoya. This one time her mom was trying to page her and dialed my beeper by mistake. Even though I was like this total stranger, she gave me this elaborate message to give to Natoya and I had to write it down and everything. As I was reading it to her, the poor girl put her hand to her mouth and blushed so much that she could barely talk.

Okay, anonymous, you're thinking, though, that's good. More ideas. More ideas. Keep 'em coming.

12 November, 2007  
Blogger Chad & Carrie said...

Chill,

You need to take it to the streets! Full force smear campaign. I'm talking about posters and banners and billboards proclaiming the truth about Evil Andy. His name should become synonomous with all evil things in this world. Andy is worse than Milosevic, Khadafi, and the kid who called me Fat-so in the second grade combined.

If you don't want to go global then you could always just steal his yogurt and eat it with contempt and vengance.

12 November, 2007  
Blogger Chilldaddy said...

Dang, now we're getting somewhere. So what you're saying is 'fight evil with evil'? Don't know if I can bring myself to stoop so low but I'll try, just for you.

I'll start with posters, move up to banners, consider billboards, and maybe one day I'll have the tenacity to eat his yogurt with contempt and vengeance, but something tells me I'll need a lot of moral support along the way.

12 November, 2007  
Blogger Mary Paddock said...

I'm no good at this kind of thing. I'm just not wicked enough or something. However I think it's time for a banner that spreads the length of the lockers. What you put on it though--would have to be up to someone who's smarter than I am.

By the way, you should write more humor. You're good at it. I adored the sentence you wrote while ordering your children to "spank themselves . . . " As someone who is trying to be a writer, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Also have you noticed how many blog posts you've written since the beginning of Nano-wrimo? :)

14 November, 2007  
Blogger Chilldaddy said...

Thank-you, Mary, you just encouraged a secretly discouraged spot.

As for the multiple-locker-length banner, what would you think of something like, "Andy - be nice - Mary Paddock says so" ?

14 November, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Revenge is a treat best served cold. Give it a little while and just when he least expects it,
do something really bad, like put a really large, old lady pair of panties in his locker or something

14 November, 2007  
Blogger Chilldaddy said...

I like it! I wonder if there's a way to use them to get him in trouble with Natoya. Too bad there's no way to email old lady panties.

14 November, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Khan (from Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn): "Revenge is dish best served cold. it is icy cold in space."

I suggest the space of the previoulsy proposed locker-spanning banner be a most clever pun, done in hiku, with Andy's name as the target point.

Or you could do a rousing good limrick (as you have public experience at that.

17 November, 2007  
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19 November, 2010  

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